


New Employee Orientation to Hell

by RevDorothyL



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-24
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 11:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/978574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevDorothyL/pseuds/RevDorothyL
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of the mandatory orientation program for new hires in Hell includes a filmstrip on the hazards posed by 'The Scoobies'  and the former 'Angel Investigations' crew.  This story was partly inspired by a weird dream and a Rowan Atkinson skit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Employee Orientation Filmstrip, PART ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Fair Warning:
> 
> This weird not-quite-a-story was inspired by a dream I had in May of 2009 and dim memories of a stand-up routine by Rowan Atkinson (various versions of the 'Hell' skit can be found in [transcript](http://www.maths.tcd.ie/~afarrell/things/Hell.html) or [video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UbqZ_oN5do&NR=1) form), as well as the most recent mandatory drug training session at my very dull office job (which consisted entirely of a video of still images and pre-recorded patter, accompanied by a multiple choice test which a ten-year-old could have passed without the help of the video filmstrip). 
> 
> This fic (which isn't an actual story so much as a transcript of some Hellish orientation filmstrip) is set post-"Chosen" for PART ONE, but post-"Not Fade Away" for PART TWO, with possible spoilers appropriate to those points in the BtVS/AtS chronology. 
> 
> **Disclaimer** : No copyright infringement is intended by the use of any of the BtVS or AtS characters or plots, and no profit is being made.

**_Somewhere in a classroom in Hell . . ._ **

 

*beep*

"This filmstrip contains part of an overview of section 6.6 of the **New Employee Handbook : 'Avoiding Mistakes That Lead to Employee Termination and Eternal Evisceration.'** Please give your full attention to the images on the overhead screen, as there will be a test at the conclusion of this presentation."

*beep*

"This, as you all know, is a picture of the Standard Vengeance Demon. 

“All inmate areas in this Hell Dimension are, of course, completely shielded against audible wishing, so that already over-worked Vengeance Demons aren't distracted from essential tasks elsewhere by the interminable wishing of damned souls. However, the shielding in employee-only areas of Hell is much thinner, due to necessary budget cuts. 

“It is therefore **your** responsibility to ensure that the 'W' word is never spoken aloud by you or your co-workers. Although we are all, technically, on the same side, some Vengeance Demons have lately proven to be unreliable, and under **no** circumstances are they to be invited into this dimension by careless employees."

*beep*

"See handbook appendix 3.2, sub-section ' **Anyanka** ', for what can happen ‘ **When Vengeance Demons go Good**.’"

*beep* 

“This is a recent picture of some individuals who potentially pose an even greater threat to the ' **Efficient and Eternal Maintenance of Unendurable Suffering** ' (hereafter abbreviated as ‘E.E.M.U.S.’ and not to be confused with the older version ‘E.M.U.S.’ which omitted the ‘Efficient’ part until funding cutbacks in the last two millennia required its addition) which is the heart of our company mission statement.

“Collectively, this group is sometimes known as ‘ **The Scoobies** ,’ and there are documented cases of at least five of these individuals (including the aforementioned Anyanka) causing major losses to this company in the last seven fiscal years.”

*beep*

“This is Buffy Anne Summers, the last person to be accurately known as ‘THE Vampire Slayer,’ since there have been two or more Slayers in existence ever since her much-too-temporary death during her second year of Slaying.

“Be on the lookout for this woman or any of her known associates, since her appearance usually coincides with a drastic loss of productivity and staff members. 

"For an example of the Worst Case Scenario with Miss Summers, employees are advised to review the footage taken by one of our sister corporations in a different dimension, when the Slayer not only directly killed numerous employees but also removed much of the slave labor upon which their profits relied. They were forced to close down a large part of their operation that quarter in order to focus on damage control.

“For an example closer to home, in what is known as ‘ **The Acathla Incident** ’ (see appendix 3.1a in your employee handbook for more detailed information on the demon Acathla), Miss Summers was directly responsible for preventing our long-planned hostile takeover of the entire mortal dimension on earth. 

“Instead of acquiring every soul and asset on earth, which had already been factored into our income projections for that year’s budget, our only acquisition through the Acathla portal was one _temporary_ inmate in the form of the en-souled vampire Angel.”

*beep*

“This is a recent photo of Angel, taken during another abortive apocalypse in the Los Angeles area. See appendix 3.1b for a condensed dossier on ‘ **Angel, the Vampire Sometimes Known as Angelus**.’ See also the suggested cross-references to ‘ **Europe, Scourge of**.’

“The means through which Angel was able to escape from our custody and return to the mortal world are still undiscovered, although Internal Security has reason to believe that one or more employees may have been bribed by The Other Side to assist in his unauthorized transfer. At this time, interrogations of suspected collaborators are ongoing in the ‘ **Pit of Unbearable Abdominal Pain and Flatulence** ,’ as well as several other departments.”

*beep*

“While we are on the general subject of unexpected collaboration with The Enemy, another disturbing facet of ‘ **The Acathla Incident** ’ is that Miss Summers was materially aided in the initial stages of the climactic battle by this vampire: ‘ **Spike, Sometimes Known as William the Bloody**.’ 

“Further information on this vampire is also available under ‘ **Europe, Scourge of** ’ as well as in appendix 3.9 of your handbook, in the sub-section titled ‘ **Spike and Drusilla: a case study in the dangers of long-term dating between soulless demons**.’

“Since Spike’s voluntary re-acquisition of his soul (the case study on that incident is still undergoing review) did not occur until at least four years later, there is no satisfactory explanation for his aberrant behavior in deciding to aid the Slayer against Angelus and his minions. 

“Later developments suggest that prolonged contact with Miss Summers in her Vampire Slayer capacity (or possibly in combination with her entire team of allies) has a degenerative effect on the minds of some demons, causing them to lose sight of their amoral compass and become confused in their loyalties.

“For this reason, among many others, Miss Summers and her associates have been deemed a ' **Level Four Contaminant** ,' to be handled by company employees only at extreme distance and with multiple layers of magical shielding. 

“Employees coming into direct, unprotected contact with this group must undergo immediate prophylactic flaying, to remove any threat of further contamination through possible Slayer Effect residue left on their hides, skins, or other external bodily layer.”

*beep*

“This is the witch Willow Rosenberg. As you’ll note, she normally has red hair. However--” 

*beep*

“—you will note that in this photo she has white hair. If you see Willow Rosenberg with white hair, consider her a ' **Level Five Threat** ' and immediately report her whereabouts to the senior demon in your division. Our experts are convinced that this white hair is a sign of accessing some very old and very powerful earth magic of a decidedly Good nature.

“On the other hand—“ 

*beep*

“—this is how Willow Rosenberg appears when high on dark magic. During what is known as ‘ **The Proserpexa Incident** ’ (see appendix 3.7), Miss Rosenberg was prepared to single-handedly drain the earth of its life force, and then use Proserpexa’s effigy to burn the earth to a cinder. We were within minutes—as time is measured on earth—of acquiring a massive influx of human souls (though the exact number that would have been allotted to us has long been in dispute). 

“Miss Rosenberg’s heroic effort was derailed, however, by the company of her childhood friend, a seemingly normal human male, whose image appears next.”

*beep*

“Although the available data is shaky, several of our top analysts have become convinced that this man, Xander Harris, has acquired some covert and heretofore unknown ability to cloud the minds of certain demons. 

"However, there is insufficient evidence as yet, and so that hypothesis is being hotly debated even now in the ‘ **Pit of Interminable and Pointless Meetings**.’”

*beep*

“This concludes part one of today’s orientation filmstrip. 

“To begin part two, please load the next filmstrip. 

"If you would prefer to take the test on part one separately before proceeding to part two, please take out your number-two fountain pen and tap the vein of your choice. 

“As always, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.”


	2. Test on New Employee Orientation, PART ONE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much have we learned? Demonic employers REALLY want to know!

* * *

****

TEST ON PART 1 OF NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION FILMSTRIP, COVERING HANDBOOK SECTION 6.6

**_(Supervisor's Edition: Correct Answers and Official Procedures Included)_ **

Instructions: Remember, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.

 

**1) True or False? All Vengeance Demons are our friends and have unrestricted access to this hell dimension.____________**

> _False -- stray Vengeance Demons found in this dimension are to be apprehended and held for questioning under the **General Suspicion of Being Up to No Evil** provision of the Home-Hell Security Directive. Supervisors are required to immediately report any employee suspected of socializing with or being sympathetic towards Vengeance Demons or any other demons unaffiliated with this dimension. (Note: this reporting requirement does not extend to any employee who answered **true** to the above question, since that employee shall have been deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith.)_

**2) Use of the 'W' word by a fellow employee anywhere in this dimension is:**

(A) No big deal. 

(B) Only to be expected, since employee discontent is an essential part of our E.E.M.U.S. mission profile. 

(C) To be reported immediately to a supervisor, while the employee in question is gagged and restrained. 

(D) An excellent opportunity for blackmail, provided that you give your immediate supervisor their standard 60% cut of all proceeds.

> _The correct answer is **(C)**. Any employee choosing **(A)** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either **(B)** or **(D)** should be fined half a century's pay and kept under close observation, being deemed 'too damned smart to be trusted.'_

**3) True or False? Buffy Anne Summers is just another expendable Vampire Slayer, and therefore no real threat to demonic operations on this scale. _____________**

> _False -- Any employee choosing **True** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith._

**4) 'THE SCOOBIES' are:**

(A) A bunch of meddling kids riding around in a suspicious-looking van.

(B) The gang of human and non-human allies associated with the Oldest Living Vampire Slayer, Buffy Anne Summers.

(C) A 'Level Four Contaminant' requiring extreme safety measures in case of accidental close contact.

(D) All of the above.

(E) B and C only.

> _The correct answer is **(E)**. Any employee choosing either **(A)** or **(D)** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either **(B)** or **(C)** shall be assigned to three decades of septic tank duty in the **'Pit of Explosive Diarrhea'** as an encouragement to pay closer attention in future._

**5) If you see the witch Willow Rosenberg anywhere while in the pursuit of your duties, you should immediately:** (Choose the  best answer)

(A) Check to see what color her hair is, and then run away, very quickly, regardless of what color it is.

(B) Check to see what color her hair is, and then report her whereabouts to the senior demon in your division as a 'Level Five Threat' if her hair is white.

(C) Check to see what color her hair is, and attempt to recruit her if her hair is black.

(D) Both A and B.

(E) Both A and C.

> _The best answer is **(D)** , but anyone who chooses either **(A)** or **(B)** shall be deemed potentially competent with the aid of remedial training. Any employee choosing either **(C)** or **(E)** shall be deemed 'too reckless to live' and executed forthwith, just to be on the safe side._

NOTE: This concludes Part One of the New Employee Orientation Test. Do not share the contents of this test with anyone else, upon pain of **Termination and Eternal Evisceration**.

Thank you for not littering. Remember, in the unlikely event that you survive the **Orientation Process** , this Hell will be _your_ Home, too, and we must all **Help to Keep Our Hell Tidy**.


	3. New Employee Orientation Filmstrip, PART TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PART TWO of the orientation filmstrip goes on to cover some of the hideous dangers posed by Angel's more recent associates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This addition to the story is dedicated to "Twisting the Hellmouth" reader _CPTSkip_ , who wanted to know what the infernal regions might have to say about Cordy.

_**Somewhere in a classroom in Hell, there’s the sound of an infectious musical beat, accompanied by the much less attractive sound of the clicking, whistling, gurgling, and screeching in a demon dialect that some demonic species (mostly the ones without human-like vocal cords or hearing apparatus) would translate as ‘singing’ . . .** _

 

“... _You know it’s hard out here for an imp (you ain’t knowin’)_..."

"Are you sure you're singing that right?"

" _You simply have no ear for music._ "

“Wait, are we recording yet? Okay, starting . . . now!”

 

*beep*

"This filmstrip contains part two of a multi-part overview of section 6.6 of the **_New Employee Handbook:_ 'Avoiding Mistakes That Lead to Employee Termination and Eternal Evisceration.'** Please give your full attention to the images on the overhead screen, as there will be another test at the conclusion of this presentation."

*beep*

“This is a photograph of sometime actress and fulltime seer Cordelia Chase (current whereabouts unknown).

“Ms. Chase has diminished company profits in a number of ways over the years, as shown in the following bar graph.”

*beep*

“For additional information on company history with Ms. Chase see handbook appendix 3.33 for a summary of her – admittedly, inadvertent – role in **’The Jasmine Crisis’** , as well as appendix 2.6 on **’The Pylean Princess Problem’** and appendix 9.1 under **’Angel Investigations: How MUCH Do We Hate Them?’** ). 

“At present, she is _suspected_ of having become a special agent of some sort for The Other Side following her recent death, but we have been unable to acquire reliable, first-hand intelligence on that score, since all the undercover operatives sent to infiltrate The Powers and locate Cordelia Chase have somehow been immediately unmasked and apprehended before they could acquire any useful information. 

"This is not a problem we've previously had with infiltration attempts, and so it has given rise to much speculation and alarm.

“Worse yet, the last three operatives assigned to ‘ **Operation Chase** ’ were returned to this dimension not only bound and gagged in the traditional, approved manner, but also dressed in sparkly pink tutus and wearing plastic tiaras. The news of their condition has led to a complete absence of volunteers for any future infiltration attempts related to Ms. Chase.”

*beep*

“So that you may be aware of the level of hazard potentially involved with this former human, here is a picture of the first demonic operative returned to us in such humiliating garb. According to **Inhuman Resources** , he is still undergoing intensive therapy and will be on medical leave for quite some time to come. We can only hope that the indelible lipstick applied to his mandibles will fade after his next molting.

“Someone on The Other Side has apparently developed a truly twisted sense of humor – which several of our analysts argue should be taken as sufficient proof, in and of itself, that Ms. Chase is indeed actively involved with and in fact playing an influential role in The Other Side’s latest counter-intelligence efforts. 

“However, most analysts agree that this is a prospect too horrible to contemplate and should therefore be loudly denounced as ‘impossible!’ whenever anyone brings it up, and that the other analysts should be summarily executed for thinking of it in the first place. 

“Whether or not this loud and emphatic denial will prove to be an effective corporate defense strategy remains to be seen. 

“In the meantime, any employee who encounters Cordelia Chase in any form, corporeal or non-corporeal, in the line of duty should immediately report her whereabouts to the senior demon in their department. The employee may also qualify for **‘Extreme Hazard Pay,’** if the encounter was of any duration and involved actual conversation with Ms. Chase.” 

*beep*

“However, no hazard pay related to Cordelia Chase can be approved without the employee first filling out form C112-Delta-14sub9, pictured here. 

“This is not to be confused with form C112-Delta-14sub8, which looks very similar but is only to be used in case of ‘Direct Contact with One or More of The Scoobies’ and testifies to the employee’s informed consent regarding their imminent flaying.”

*beep*

“On a related subject, this is the current physical form of an Old One who recently escaped from **The Deeper Well** , known as Illyria (see the existing case study titled **'Primordium, God-King of'** , and a new, updated version of that file should be approved for dissemination soon). All employees should be on guard against and immediately report any appearance by Illyria in this dimension.

“Although the Old Ones would normally be considered this company’s natural allies and potential franchise holders, Illyria has apparently been corrupted or infected in some manner through extensive contact with some former associates of Ms. Chase.”

*beep*

“This is a snapshot of those former associates -- collectively and somewhat anachronistically known as **’The Angel Investigations Gang’** \-- when last seen. 

“Although the photo quality is obviously poor, having been taken mid-battle, you can clearly see some familiar faces from part one of this filmstrip: the ensouled vampires Angel and Spike.

“Also pictured is Illyria, of course, although that’s hard to see. She’s the red-blue blur shown ripping out the spinal cord of that armored Grk’slnv Beast."

*beep*

“Here is a portion of that same photo, enlarged to show the face of Charles Gunn. Mr. Gunn holds the record for **’Greatest Number of Deaths Through Torture Voluntarily Suffered in a Hellish Holding Dimension For the Sake of Others’** (see appendix 4.2 under **’Useful Stats’** ). 

“For this reason, although he seems to be in imminent danger of collapse and death in this photograph and might normally be presumed dead by this time, Charles Gunn is still regarded as a very real threat and will continue to be on our ‘Watch List’ until we have physical proof of his final, permanent death.”

*beep*

“If you see _any_ of these people – shown here in an older, less blood-spattered photo, during more peaceful times – you _MUST_ immediately inform your superiors. Do not attempt to approach these individuals on your own or allow them to speak with you, since we do not know how much exposure is needed in order to suffer the same fate as poor, misguided, demon-dismembering Illyria.

"Also, Illyria can kill many lower level demons using only her pinky finger, and has shown a willingness to do so upon little or no provocation.”

*beep* 

“This concludes part two of today’s orientation filmstrip. 

“If you are ready to take the test on part two immediately, please take out your number-two fountain pen and tap the vein of your choice. 

“As always, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.”


	4. Test on New Employee Orientation, PART TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How badly do you want this job . . . really?

* * *

****

TEST ON PART 2 OF NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION FILMSTRIP, COVERING HANDBOOK SECTION 6.6

**_(Supervisor’s Edition: Correct Answers and Official Procedures Included)_ **

Instructions: Remember, all tests must be written in blood and filed in triplicate.

**1) True or False? The seer Cordelia Chase has been confirmed as dead, and is therefore no longer of any concern to this company.____________**

> _False – Once again, any employee choosing **True** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith._

**2) According to official company policy at this time, suggesting that Cordelia Chase might currently be playing a major role in The Other Side’s counter-intelligence efforts is:**

(A) A good way to demonstrate your intelligence to your superiors. 

(B) Likely to result in your summary execution, since that idea has been pronounced ‘impossible’ by the majority of company analysts and is now forbidden to discuss. 

(C) A reasonable hypothesis, given the evidence currently available from abortive infiltration attempts.

(D) Both A and C.

(E) None of the above.

> _The correct answer is **(B)**. Any employee choosing **(A)** or **(D)** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either **(C)** or **(E)** shall be judged merely ‘insufficiently attentive’ and assigned to spend the next five decades taking minutes in the **’Pit of Interminable and Pointless Meetings’** , to show them the error of their ways._

**3) All encounters with Cordelia Chase while in the performance of your duties should be immediately reported to your superiors because:** (Note: Choose the  best answer.)

(A) That’s a necessary prerequisite, if you intend to file for **’Extreme Hazard Pay’** as a result of the encounter.

(B) We really want to know where she gets her supply of pink tutus and plastic tiaras on this plane of existence, in case it becomes relevant for the next employee talent show.

(C) You may require immediate counseling in order to ameliorate the psychological damage from her mocking.

(D) It’s company policy – do you _need_ any other reason?

(E) Both B and C.

(F) Both A and D.

> _The best answer is **(D)**. Any employee choosing either **(B)** or **(E)** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing either **(A)** or **(F)** shall be deemed ‘not as smart as they think they are’ (since they obviously paid insufficient attention in their mandatory **‘Corporate Butt-Kissing and Making Office Politics Work for You’** seminar) and assigned a century’s worth of unpaid overtime work as attendants in the Executive Washrooms, to give them an opportunity to observe how the experts do it._

**4) True or False? The current company ‘Watch List’ includes Charles Gunn, and will continue to do so until you bring us his lifeless body (and probably after that, as well). _____________**

> _True -- Any employee choosing **False** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith for contradicting executive policy and making unwarranted assumptions about the risks associated with non-super-powered humans._

**5) Illyria is:** (Note: Again, choose the  best answer.)

(A) A blue-haired chick in red leather who hangs out a lot in demon biker bars.

(B) A former Old One who’s been reborn in a human-shaped shell.

(C) Someone who can and will eviscerate you with her pinky finger, if the mood strikes her, so keep your distance.

(D) Apparently contaminated to some degree by association with ensouled vampires and other degenerates.

(E) All of the above.

(F) B, C, and D only.

> _The best answer is **(F)**. Any employee choosing either **(A)** or **(E)** shall be deemed 'too stupid to live' and executed forthwith. Those choosing only answer **(B)** , **(C)** , or **(D)** shall be deemed slightly inattentive and restricted to low-level possessions and temptations only, until the next employee review/culling._

* * *

This concludes Part Two of the New Employee Orientation Test. Do not share the contents of this test with anyone else, upon pain of **Termination and Eternal Evisceration**.

Have a Not-Nice Day!


End file.
